We’ve all been there – you’re at a family gathering, or maybe just catching up with a friend, when someone asks the dreaded question: “Are you seeing anyone?” For some, this inquiry is innocuous, a simple attempt at making conversation. But for others, it can feel like a loaded grenade, fraught with societal expectations and undue pressure.
When you’re single, it puts you on the spot. When you’re taken, it can come across as nosiness about your private life. That’s when it’s time to unleash the sarcasm and let the savagery flow.
Rather than getting flustered or feeling forced to reveal details of your romantic dealings, you can take the high road…by going low with some delightfully biting humor. A well-timed sarcastic quip or over-the-top savagery sends a clear message – my love life is none of your business. It’s a genius way to deflect the question while gently (or not so gently) shaming the person who asked it to begin with.
Savage Responses
Blunt rejections
- “Seeing anyone? I can barely see my own future, let alone a romantic partner in it.”
This one really drives home the point that you’re a hot mess who can’t even handle their own life, let alone bringing someone else into the equation. - “Seeing someone? The only person I’m seeing is my therapist, and even they’re starting to lose faith in me.”
Nothing screams “I’m an utter disaster” quite like admitting you’re in therapy but implying it’s not even working. - “Does it look like I’m seeing anyone? I can barely put on matching socks in the morning.”
Self-deprecating humor is always a surefire way to shut down a personal question while getting some laughs. - “Seeing someone? I’m seeing the harsh reality of my own existence, and let me tell you, it’s not pretty.”
If you really want to go dark and pessimistic with your response, this one certainly fits the bill. - “I couldn’t get someone to see me if I was the last person on Earth. Well, maybe a seeing-eye dog would take pity.”
Sometimes it’s best to just lean into the self-loathing for maximum savagery.
Brutal honesty
- “Yeah, I’m in a committed relationship with my Netflix account. We’ve got a monthly thing going, and sometimes we even splurge on the premium package.”
There’s no need to mince words – your love affair with streaming services is the only romance you need. - “I’m seeing someone, but I’m not sure if they’ve noticed me yet. I might be projecting this whole relationship onto a vaguely humanoid shape I saw in a cloud formation.”
Honesty is the best policy, even when that honesty paints you as a delusional loner. - “I was seeing someone, but then I took an arrow to the knee. Romantic life’s been a bit of a struggle since then.”
For those who appreciate a niche gaming reference as part of their sardonic humor. - “I’m seeing someone, but it’s not that serious. I’m just stalking a neighbor from a safe distance to admire their skin.”
Admitting to criminal behavior is a sure way to make the other person regret their prying. - “I have a few suitors lined up, yes. Though to be fair, they seem to be more interested in my collection of antique porcelain dolls than me.”
Sometimes the truth is stranger than any fiction you could devise.
Over-the-top exaggerations
- “I’m seeing so many people, I’ve started my own dating reality show. It’s a little controversial because all of the contestants are just fragments of my own fractured psyche.”
Nothing gets people to stop prying quite like implying you’re stark raving mad. - “I’m seeing someone, but they’re imaginary, so it’s a long-distance relationship. Our love transcends the boundaries of reality itself.”
This one is perfect for making the other person seriously question your grip on reality. - “I’m seeing the universe itself as my partner. It’s a cosmically open relationship – I’m free to explore any celestial body that catches my interest.”
Don’t be afraid to take things to a metaphysical level of weird. - “I’ve ascended beyond the need for human relationships. I’m currently courting the feminine side of my own life force energy.”
A New Age-y flare can really ramp up the inscrutable peculiarity. - “I’m seeing someone, but it’s complicated – they’re polysaturated beings from another dimension, and introducing them to this reality could cause a cataclysmic rift in the space-time continuum.”
At this point, you’re just making up utter nonsense, but it’s brilliant nonsense.
Sarcastic Responses
Witty comebacks
- “Oh, I’m seeing plenty of people… in my nightmares. They just keep showing up night after night, these horrific specters of failed relationships past.”
Few things are as cutting as sarcasm tinged with a hint of darkness and emotional trauma. - “Yes, I’m seeing someone, but they’re camera-shy, so I can’t show you. That’s why I only have illustrations of them, drawn in a stunningly realistic style using the ashes of my dreams as charcoal.”
This one is delightfully absurd while still giving a sarcastic nod to the original question. - “I was seeing someone, but I had to let them go – I couldn’t get past their harrowing history of being a ceramic garden gnome in a past life.”
A ridiculous tall tale can add an air of whimsy to your sardonic reply. - “I’m seeing someone exclusively in the Dreamscape, thank you very much. Our bond is powerful, yet ethereal, much like a summer zephyr.”
The more inexplicable your explanation, the better. - “Why yes, I am seeing someone! An ancient, omniscient being who takes the form of a reclusive desert tortoise. We have a very special, unspoken connection.”
Sometimes sarcasm is best delivered with utter commitment to the absurd premise.
Ridiculous excuses
- “I would be seeing someone, but my cat is too jealous. I’ve tried to explain that my love for them is unconditional yet non-exclusive, but they simply won’t have it.”
Blame it on the feline friend – few can argue with the irrational behavior of cats. - “I’m too busy training my pet rock to have time for a relationship. Steve requires a strict regimen of rigid immobility and being utterly indifferent to my existence.”
If you’re going to make up a ridiculous excuse, you might as well make it as nonsensical as possible. - “Dating is a Herculean effort that I, a mere mortal, cannot accommodate right now. Perhaps after I achieve body consciousness transcendence and no longer require sleep or sustenance.”
The loftier and more absurd, the better. - “I want to be in a relationship, truly, but I can’t seem to meet anyone on the same spiritual plane as my higher self. Settling is simply not an option.”
Feign an air of superiority and self-importance for maximum sarcastic impact. - “What can I say, the patriarchy and its institutionalized monogamy-obsession has really done a number on me. I’m working through it in organic bioharmonic rebalancing sessions.”
Don’t be afraid to throw out utter nonsense words and concepts.
Playful deflections
- “Why settle for one when I can have a whole fan club? I take applications every first Tuesday of the month.”
There’s nothing quite like implying you’re such a catch that monogamy is utterly out of the question. - “I’m seeing someone… in my dreams, where they can’t disappoint me like everyone else in my life. It’s really the ideal situation.”
This one is perfect for those who want to veer just slightly too maudlin with their humor. - “I’m afraid any relationships I pursue would be ill-fated from the start. I was born under an inauspicious harvest moon, and such cosmic forces are not easily overcome.”
Don’t hesitate to make up complete nonsense about astrology and cosmic energies. - “Why yes, I am seeing someone – the most important person of all. Me. It’s called self-love, look it up.”
You can never go wrong with a self-congratulatory humble brag about how you’ve mastered the art of loving yourself.
Conclusion
Being asked about your romantic status can put you in an awkward position. You may not feel like revealing personal details, or you could simply be tired of fending off the same prying questions. That’s when it’s time to tap into your sardonic side and let the sarcastic barbs and savage put-downs fly.
Rather than getting flustered or embarrassed, own your circumstances with biting wit and over-the-top humor.
A well-deployed sarcastic riposte or delightfully savage response can shut down the question while still keeping things lighthearted.
There’s no need to take the inquiry too seriously or feel weighed down by societal expectations.
The truth is, everyone’s romantic life is different, and no one owes an explanation about their dating habits to nosy family members or acquaintances.
